"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
One year ago today I stood in a courtroom with my hand raised, answering questions I don't really remember. The judge signed the papers and my marriage of almost twenty-nine years was over. Afterward I am in the courthouse parking lot crying in my mother's arms.
Eight months before I see a phone bill with an unbelievable amount of texts. Searching previous bills and filling each day on a calendar with the number of calls and texts I can just about figure out when the affair began. Shock does not describe how I feel. I keep telling myself it can't be true. I have no idea what to do.
We met in college while he was studying for the ministry. I received an Associate of Arts degree and worked while he finished school. We moved for seminary and another job was found. Our sweet babies were born and I became a stay-at-home mom. I loved being home with our children and being able to spend so much time with them. Our children are twenty-four and twenty-two. G is married and living five hours away. J is a senior in college and will be getting married in six months.
Seven months before that day in court I accidentally find a lengthy series of emails. They cannot wait to begin their life together and he has never loved anyone like he loves her. How can that be when he says he loves me? I am trusting God. He knows the plans He has for me, plans for good and not of evil. I keep repeating that over and over. I cry. I pray. I read my Bible. I am trying to listen to God and His leading.
I have taken care of him, our children, and our home for more than twenty-eight years. Now I don't trust him. My marriage is over. Will the kids look back on their wedding day and wish I had not waited? I am praying for wisdom and discernment. I am trying to trust God in all things but it is so difficult when I am scared for my future and everything is unknown.
In the months before the wedding I write out what I will say to him and what I will be requesting in the divorce. I know I have a Biblical reason for leaving him but I also feel that marriage is until death do we part. Why would I want to stay with someone that doesn't love and cherish me? I constantly change what I have written, praying over everything.
Only my mother, brother, and sister know. S and I have been discussing what she calls 'The Surprise Attack". Before we leave for the wedding I type out exactly what I want to say. I have copies of emails and a list of my requests. I have it all ready for when we return. As soon as we get home I read him what I have written. I leave and go to my mother's house to spend the night.
I am the one that tells our sons. I am the one that holds them while we cry. They are grown men and now have a father that they do not know. How can this man who has left our family be the same man that gave them baths at night and said their prayers with them before bed? How can this man be the same man who as a minister baptized them into Christ? I can't imagine what they are going through. I don't know how to help them when I am struggling with my own pain and heartache. I pray for them constantly. I am thankful for their fathers-in-law who are wonderful examples of what a husband and father should be.
I meet with an attorney and papers are drawn up. Before I give them to him to sign I sit in my Daddy's rocking chair reading my Bible and praying over my divorce papers. It is so surreal. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am making the right decision.
J and H have now celebrated their first anniversary. So much has happened in one year. I have told G and J that I feel this is my "Season of Waiting". I don't know where God will lead me or what plans He has for my life but I trust Him with it all. One of my favorite passages of scripture has always been the eleventh chapter of Hebrews.
"By faith......."
For God has said, "I will never leave you; I will never abandon you." Hebrews 13:5b
